ROUND TWO!

Dear Future Navi and Niraalam,

I still can't believe I have two kids. Right now both of you are fast asleep and I'm in between both of you and it's so sweet. Seriously, what is life?  

So, in this blog I wanted to write about my experience with pregnancy, delivery, and postpartum for the second time around. In the future, if you guys are thinking about have a second kid or if anyone else reading this is thinking about having a second kid and they are on the fence, maybe this will help! 

I was actually very content with one kid. (I know Niraalam! Wait! Just keep reading!) Having a baby is a lot of work! ALOT. It takes a toll on your mental, physical, emotional, hormonal, and financial state of being.  Some sources say it takes 6 to 8 weeks to recover from having a baby. At my last checkup, my doctor said it takes 6 months for a woman's hormones to go back to normal after birth. But some say, it takes 2 years to feel like yourself again. Whatever the timing is, it takes a while! For me, it was when you were about 18 months old Navi. You were eating solids and you were able to eat what we ate so taking you out and about was easy and fun. We had your routines in place. You generally slept through the night. You were one of the smartest kids at nursery! Home and work was going well. I felt like, "Okay, I got this!"

So now at this point, it was time to get serious about weight loss because I hadn't lost a pound of pregnancy weight. I stopped eating and drinking all sugar and caffeine. I ate salads every night for dinner. And I started working out hard core. In the first two weeks I dropped a few pounds and I was excited because it was all working! And then BAAM! I got pregnant again! 

I was shocked. Just shocked. I didn't even think I could get pregnant. I was 38 years old. Women all around me were having fertility issues and having to go through IVF. I was thankful that I had one healthy, beautiful baby. I won the lottery with having a baby once. Could I win again? I was honestly so scared. Your father however was just happy. So so so happy! When I told him a big smile just came across his face. But of course! He wouldn't be the one going through all of the pregnancy stuff for the next 9 months! He wouldn't have to have his stomach cut open again! How easy it must be to be a guy! Alas!

I'm not going to lie. The next 9 months did suck. Pregnancy is harder the second time because it's harder to take naps when you have a toddler to take care of. The nausea was back. The hormonal changes were back. This time I had severe pelvic pain so I had to sit on a giant yoga ball at work. And that third trimester. Lord have mercy. I was so big and heavy. Just regular walking had me out of breathe. But you know what the hardest thing was? In my third trimester, I couldn't pick you up Navi. That was the absolute worst. Technically speaking I don't think I was meant to pick you up in my second trimester either. But I still did as much as I could. I didn't have energy to keep up with you. I felt like I was a crappy mom. I was afraid that with two kids, I would be a completely stressed out, tired, hot mess of a mom and I wouldn't be there for you as I was prior to getting pregnant and that broke my heart. 

To top it all off, I couldn't bend over or bow down. That meant that at Gurudwara, I couldn't bow down to Sri Guru Granth Sahib. I tried but I was in too much pain. (To be honest, I shouldn't have even tried in my third trimester, but I had to!)  I just cried. This broke my heart as well. Of course, the Guru understands. Of course everyone understands. But when all you want is Guru Sahib's blessings and you cannot revere the Guru as you should, it's just hard. But despite this, I do believe from the bottom of my heart that the Guru still blessed me. And blessed you too Niraalam. :) 

Despite all of the issues with the NHS, my second c-section went smoothly. There were no complications or issues and by the grace of God, you came out wonderfully and beautifully. This time I was more confident in how to take care of you especially when it came to feeding, changing, and bathing you. I just had to overcome one obstacle. When it was time for your first feed, I attempted to breast feed you. But, like with Navi, you wouldn't latch and you were crying because you were hungry. And in that moment, I truly felt like I had a moment of PTSD. I started crying. Not just any crying. It was like a deep cry from my heart and soul. I was proud of my body for making you and delivering you but so disappointed that I couldn't make enough milk for you. I had a flashback of my breastfeeding journey from before. The pumping every three hours night and day. The constant crying. The feelings of depression and unworthiness as a new mother. I then thought of you Navi and how well you were doing. You were and are one of the brightest students at daycare. You ate well, you slept well, you were and are so healthy and so cute. And you were on formula. I stopped crying and asked for a formula bottle and took it from there. And right now Niraalam, you are 3 1/2 months old and you are super healthy and thriving AND YOU ARE SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!! 

When it came time to deliver, your Nani from Georgia, and your Maasi and cousin Harliv from Virginia flew to Scotland to help me with everything. They were such a huge help. They did all of the cooking and they helped so much with you Navi. (Your Maasi and Nani that is, not your cousin Harliv as she too was just 2 years old. LOL) I was able to heal. They gave me so much support physically and emotionally that I will never have enough words to express my gratitude. Once they left, your Dadiji continued to watch you on the days that you weren't in daycare and when your dad was working so I wouldn't be left alone watching two kids by myself. It truly takes a village and I have been incredibly lucky to have an amazing village. 

There is actually so much more that I want to and need to write about but I will leave this here. I will probably do a part two of this blog later. For now, just know that if you ever decide to have a second kid, it won't be as bad or as scary as you think. And when people offer to help, take the help! 

Okay, so in my next blog I will write about the doctor that tried to scare me out of having another c-section, the dynamics between you two, and how financially it wasn't that bad and why. And basically why going from 1 to 2 is way easier than 0 to 1. LOL 

But Niraalam, please know that while I may have been afraid of pregnancy and another c-section and all of that, I wasn't afraid of you. You are the sweetest little boy and I am so lucky to have you. 

I certainly did win the lottery twice. :) 

Love, 

Mom