The Departure Of The Ex
Okay. Here goes. . . . Date #1. . . no. Wait. You guys need more background info! You guys need to know my mindset before going into this! Okay, date #1 will have to wait for a sec. . . . .
My most recent relationship was devastating. No, gut wrenching. Allow me to explain. I was in it for 3 years. I thought I found the one. There was a problem though. The thing about me is this: I value honor, respect, tradition, religion, and culture very much but to a certain degree. However, I come from one of the most un-traditional families you'll ever meet. Despite this, I think I balance myself pretty well. I've dated guys who share my same outlook but they came from extremely traditional families. My father warned me about this early on but I never understood until now.
So what if a guy's family is crazy traditional or religious? It won't affect him or me, right? WRONG. Not everyone is like me. In fact, no one is like me. No Indian woman will be crazy enough to leave her father's house at age 16 and then leave her mother's house at age 19. I always had strength to stand up against my parents when they crossed the line. But the same cannot be said about my male counterparts. Some of the strongest men I've met are able to fight at the drop of a dime, but put them in front of their mothers and you'll see a totally different side. It literally took me years to understand this concept. It took me years to come to the realization that even if I stand up against my parents to fight for someone I "love" it doesn't mean that he will do the same for me. Even if he said he would. . . .
Mistake #1: Do not hang on to a man's words.
Even if they have the best of intentions, their words mean nothing if they don't do anything to back them up or take any action. If I truly internalized this concept, I would have walked away a long time ago. . . .I just kept on believing him when he said, "I'm not going anywhere"
The worst part is that this particular guy knew what I had gone through before. He knew what my greatest fear was and it's almost as if he capitalized on it. The last six months of the relationship consisted of his mother telling him that she would come and see me. My 4 parents waited quietly and patiently. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I confronted him which led to him confronting his mother. And then the truth came out. She had no intention of ever coming down to meet me. She purposely wasted my time. She was waiting for me to get frustrated and leave. Her plan backfired however because I didn't leave, but in the end she still won.
Touche' never to be mother in law. Touche'.
My parents called him. Then they called his mother. Then they called his father. No one picked up and no one returned my parent's phone calls. No apology. No explanation. Nothing. And after years of him coming to my mother and stepfather's house, eating dinner with us, telling my parents that "yes, I will marry your daughter" Nothing. Absolutely nothing except tears from my mother's eyes.
My boyfriend gave up.
I asked God why I was being punished so much. I had given up my first love so that I could marry within my religion. So that my future family and my future kids wouldn't grow up with the confused life that I grew up with. So why was I being punished?
I wasted 6 months. No. I wasted 3 years. No. I wasted 10 years. I was doing something wrong. I found open minded Sikhs but from narrow minded families. Families so narrow minded that they didn't want to have anything to do with my family because they weren't Sikh and they weren't Punjabi. And because the men couldn't take a stand, the narrow mindedness (is that a word?) would and will continue. . . .
I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't put on this Earth to cry over this monstrosity. Over 10 years ago, when I was 18 & 19, I didn't cry over guys. That wasn't me. Somewhere down the line the girl that I used to be got lost. I had to find her again. The girl that I used to be didn't know much about any religion or any culture. She only knew how to be happy. Today, I feel like I know too much sometimes. :(
I know that other religions and communities in India share these same problems. Heck, I'm pretty sure surrounding countries and continents share these problems! But I know there is someone out there who is independent and who knows how to balance all relationships. I hope I find him. And I hope I find him in my city coz let's face it. . . . long distance is very very difficult. It's only possible if you both know what the end goal is going to be and if you both are on the same page.
I do have to say this though. This is where the knowledge comes in and hurts. I feel like I'm about to cheat on the Sikh community. I'm dating outside of my religion all together. Over 10 years ago I didn't know anything and it wasn't a big deal. But today, I know everything and it is a big deal. I know what the Sikh Rehat Maryada says. I know what the Uncles and Aunties and Bhaisahibs (priests for my non Indian readers) will think and say. But for all of my Sikh family and friends and brothers and sisters, I say. . . please forgive me. I tried. I really, really, really tried. I don't know what is going to happen or whom I am going to end up with but I know this. . . I won't abandon my faith. I won't ever leave my Sikhi and for that you have my word. (And I'm not a guy so you can actually trust my word ;)
For the record I just have to say this though. . . my ex boyfriend. . . he is not a bad person. . he is not an evil person. . .he was actually a wonderful person. . . .he just wasn't a strong person. . . I don't have a drop of hate against him despite what happened. Even if I tried to hate him, I couldn't. But, I certainly had to move on. . . .
So, on to date #1. . . . . . . . ;)
My most recent relationship was devastating. No, gut wrenching. Allow me to explain. I was in it for 3 years. I thought I found the one. There was a problem though. The thing about me is this: I value honor, respect, tradition, religion, and culture very much but to a certain degree. However, I come from one of the most un-traditional families you'll ever meet. Despite this, I think I balance myself pretty well. I've dated guys who share my same outlook but they came from extremely traditional families. My father warned me about this early on but I never understood until now.
So what if a guy's family is crazy traditional or religious? It won't affect him or me, right? WRONG. Not everyone is like me. In fact, no one is like me. No Indian woman will be crazy enough to leave her father's house at age 16 and then leave her mother's house at age 19. I always had strength to stand up against my parents when they crossed the line. But the same cannot be said about my male counterparts. Some of the strongest men I've met are able to fight at the drop of a dime, but put them in front of their mothers and you'll see a totally different side. It literally took me years to understand this concept. It took me years to come to the realization that even if I stand up against my parents to fight for someone I "love" it doesn't mean that he will do the same for me. Even if he said he would. . . .
Mistake #1: Do not hang on to a man's words.
Even if they have the best of intentions, their words mean nothing if they don't do anything to back them up or take any action. If I truly internalized this concept, I would have walked away a long time ago. . . .I just kept on believing him when he said, "I'm not going anywhere"
The worst part is that this particular guy knew what I had gone through before. He knew what my greatest fear was and it's almost as if he capitalized on it. The last six months of the relationship consisted of his mother telling him that she would come and see me. My 4 parents waited quietly and patiently. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I confronted him which led to him confronting his mother. And then the truth came out. She had no intention of ever coming down to meet me. She purposely wasted my time. She was waiting for me to get frustrated and leave. Her plan backfired however because I didn't leave, but in the end she still won.
Touche' never to be mother in law. Touche'.
My parents called him. Then they called his mother. Then they called his father. No one picked up and no one returned my parent's phone calls. No apology. No explanation. Nothing. And after years of him coming to my mother and stepfather's house, eating dinner with us, telling my parents that "yes, I will marry your daughter" Nothing. Absolutely nothing except tears from my mother's eyes.
My boyfriend gave up.
I asked God why I was being punished so much. I had given up my first love so that I could marry within my religion. So that my future family and my future kids wouldn't grow up with the confused life that I grew up with. So why was I being punished?
I wasted 6 months. No. I wasted 3 years. No. I wasted 10 years. I was doing something wrong. I found open minded Sikhs but from narrow minded families. Families so narrow minded that they didn't want to have anything to do with my family because they weren't Sikh and they weren't Punjabi. And because the men couldn't take a stand, the narrow mindedness (is that a word?) would and will continue. . . .
I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't put on this Earth to cry over this monstrosity. Over 10 years ago, when I was 18 & 19, I didn't cry over guys. That wasn't me. Somewhere down the line the girl that I used to be got lost. I had to find her again. The girl that I used to be didn't know much about any religion or any culture. She only knew how to be happy. Today, I feel like I know too much sometimes. :(
I know that other religions and communities in India share these same problems. Heck, I'm pretty sure surrounding countries and continents share these problems! But I know there is someone out there who is independent and who knows how to balance all relationships. I hope I find him. And I hope I find him in my city coz let's face it. . . . long distance is very very difficult. It's only possible if you both know what the end goal is going to be and if you both are on the same page.
I do have to say this though. This is where the knowledge comes in and hurts. I feel like I'm about to cheat on the Sikh community. I'm dating outside of my religion all together. Over 10 years ago I didn't know anything and it wasn't a big deal. But today, I know everything and it is a big deal. I know what the Sikh Rehat Maryada says. I know what the Uncles and Aunties and Bhaisahibs (priests for my non Indian readers) will think and say. But for all of my Sikh family and friends and brothers and sisters, I say. . . please forgive me. I tried. I really, really, really tried. I don't know what is going to happen or whom I am going to end up with but I know this. . . I won't abandon my faith. I won't ever leave my Sikhi and for that you have my word. (And I'm not a guy so you can actually trust my word ;)
For the record I just have to say this though. . . my ex boyfriend. . . he is not a bad person. . he is not an evil person. . .he was actually a wonderful person. . . .he just wasn't a strong person. . . I don't have a drop of hate against him despite what happened. Even if I tried to hate him, I couldn't. But, I certainly had to move on. . . .
So, on to date #1. . . . . . . . ;)
Comments
Post a Comment