Sexual Abuse within the Sikh Community: A reflection and response to Kaur Voices Episode 22

It pains me to write about this. It pains me to put the words "sexual abuse" and "Sikh" in the same sentence and the same title. But after watching two parents tell the story of how their daughter was sexually abused by a respected priest, I felt compelled to write this. 

I like so many other American Sikhs grew up going to Sikh camps and Sikh retreats in my young adult life. I've been a camper and a counselor. I've been to retreats on the East coast and the West coast (and even Canada!) And I've always had amazing experiences from each of these retreats. I made connections with Sikhs around the country but most of all, at every retreat I always took away a little more knowledge and a little more renewed perspective, admiration, and love for my faith. 

There was often a common thread at many of these retreats and camps that influenced my Sikh learning journey greatly: Bhai Gurdarshan Singh. In a sea of Punjabi-speaking priests, Bhai Gurdarshan Singh was one of the very few drops that spoke English. And because of that, he was able to connect so many of us English speaking young American Sikhs to Gurbani. In fact, I still remember one of his famous examples of "You don't need a GPS when you have GGS. (Guru Granth Sahib)" 

But Dear God, where the hell was his GPS and his GGS?! Where was his moral compass? How did it manage to stay broken for so many years? For those of you who don't have any idea of what I'm talking about, please go to Sikhnet and watch Kaur Voices Episode 22 and if you are able to get through the whole episode without crying, I commend you. 

About 20 years ago, when Bhai Gurdarshan Singh first arrived in America from India, he stayed with a Sikh family and sexually abused a young girl while teaching her kirtan. He did this for a year while taking advantage of this family's hospitality, resources, and innocence. On top of it, when the family tried to speak out, the committee at the Gurudwara that Bhaisahib belonged to tried to keep the family quiet and tried to cover up this disgusting act and behavior of his. 

They did such a good job that Bhai Gurdarshan Singh went on to be one of America's most prominent Sikh priests. Many people across the country including myself had so much respect for him. But now, after knowing what we know, should we still respect this person? 

He committed this horrible crime 20 years ago and since then, he has done so much "good" for the community and for the youth. He must have changed, right? Surely all of the "good" that he has done should now wipe out the bad that he did, right? 

Wrong. 

In fact, I feel the opposite to be true. All of the so called "good" that he did was just false. The sexual abuse that he committed years ago wiped out all of the "good" that he did. 

How can someone change if they are not even sorry? How can someone change if they do not own up and take accountability of what they have done? Bhai Gurdarshan Singh had the opportunity to address the sangat and own up to his crime and apologize but he refused to do so. Instead he has built a career on falsehood. He has taught us all about the 5 vices yet he himself could not control himself on at least one of them. 

And don't get me started on this Gurudwara committee. They should be ashamed of themselves. I don't know how any of these people managed to sleep peacefully every night for the past 20 years when this girl's life was completely turned upside down. I can go on an on about how angry I am. I am so angry, disgusted, horrified, but most of all I feel let down. I know that India is famous for rape and sexual misconduct but for some reason, I always thought that our community was better than that. There was a time when the Sikhs would actually save women from sexual abuse. Remember? When Sikhs would leave at midnight to go and save the Sikh and Hindu women that has been captured by the Moghuls. They saved them and returned them to their families and treated them with the utmost respect. There was a time when Sikh men upheld the sacred spirituality of their turban by being a woman's protector, warrior, brother, and friend. 

We have to go back to that. We have to go back to the path of Guru. Our community has to take action and we have to do it NOW. Here are just a few suggestions for cleaning up our community: 

1. We need to start an international list/database of sexual predators in the Gurudwara space. 

What ends up happening is, if a priest or a tabla player get caught with sexual misconduct, they are either fired or deported. Okay great. But then they go to another Gurudwara in another state or to another Gurudwara in India. Then they do the same thing AGAIN. That does not solve the problem. That just moves the problem around. As I've mentioned before, one must take accountability for what they have done. There needs to be some sort of blacklist of sexual predators in the Sikh community so that if they get fired from one Gurudwara, another Gurudwara will know why and will hopefully not hire them.  This is the least we can do to protect our community.

2. For the love of God, can we get some women and some younger people on the Gurudwara committees?

Just like people of color need representation in the government, all types of people need representation on the Gurudwara committee. Women need to be in that space so that other women in the sangat feel comfortable talking to someone in the committee and so that they feel heard. Also, so that Gurudwara committee members do not continue covering up crimes of their staff. We need to restore the Gurudwara to a place of safety and protection again. 

3. We need to change the conversation at home. 

This is actually the easiest, yet the hardest, yet the most important thing we have to do. I know and I understand that we come from a very conservative culture. We do not openly talk about these issues at home but that has to change. We need to teach our boys how to be decent human beings. (Example: Stop asking for nudes from that girl that you are talking to on shaadi.com!) And we need to teach our girls about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable (Don't send him those pictures!) and when and how to stand up for themselves. Because the very moment that something like this happens, a woman needs to raise hell. 

    3.a. Do not leave your children alone with anyone. ANYONE. 

Bhai Gurdarshan Singhs's victim was abused for a year. A whole fucking year. Excuse my language but that is not acceptable. Our women need to remember that we are warriors too. We come from a very strong lineage of women. We have to speak up and we have to speak out the moment that sexual abuse happens. Ideally, we should be able to talk to our parents. We should talk to our friends. We should talk to a committee member at Gurudwara. We should speak up to anyone and everyone who will listen. 

And as a community, we have to listen. And we have to support each other. Especially our victims. Male or Female. Because, yes, even men get sexually abused. 

In the words of Jasvir Kaur Rababan, host of Kaur Voices, this is not an isolated incident. She also said that she does not think that the above mentioned was Bhai Gurdarshan Singh's only victim. And you know what? 

I agree with her. 

Page 672, Line 6 of the Sri Guru Granth Sahib:
ਕਾਮਵੰਤ ਕਾਮੀ ਬਹੁ ਨਾਰੀ ਪਰ ਗ੍ਰਿਹ ਜੋਹ ਨ ਚੂਕੈ ॥
Kāmvanṯ kāmī baho nārī par garih joh na cẖūkai.
The lustful, lecherous man desires many women, and he never stops peeking into the homes of others.
Guru Arjan Dev   -  view Shabad/Paurhi/Salok

Bhull Chuk Maaf

Christine Kaur

Visit kaurvoices.org to share your voice, to hear other voices, and to help the community come together to fight against sexual abuse, break the silence, and create safer spaces for our future generations.