The Unplanned Planned C-Section

My Dear Navi, 

When it comes to having children, some women have super easy deliveries and pop our their baby in minutes. Some women have super traumatic life threatening deliveries that have twists and turns and unexpected surprises. My delivery with you was somewhere in between. . . . 

If and when you ever have a child of your own, know this: When it comes to your delivery, it isn't your decision on how it will be. It isn't the baby's decision on how it will be. It is 100% the doctor's decision! 

During my pregnancy, I was told that I could and should have a birth plan. And in that plan, I could indicate what I wanted and didn't want at the birth. But let's be real, nothing ever goes according to plan, so I didn't make one! You know I believe in the laws of attraction, so I decided to manifest my delivery, but here's a little secret: that didn't work either! 

For so many months, I tried to picture myself having a natural vaginal birth. I didn't want to read up or know anything about c-sections or complications. I didn't want to hear other stories. I just wanted to manifest a nice and easy birth for you and me. Keep in mind, I was pregnant during the time of covid so there were no in-person lamaze classes. I didn't really know what to expect. I just thought that I would randomly get contractions one day, go into the hospital, and push you out. Done! 

But here's the interesting thing: after months and months of trying to manifest and picture my dream delivery, a few weeks prior to your birth, I had a feeling that I might have a c-section. I was certainly afraid of it. I didn't want it. But it was a feeling that I couldn't shake. It was a feeling of "if I try too hard to have a vaginal birth, something might go wrong." But I tried hard to replace this feeling with my forced manifestations. 

Then at my 37 week checkup, I was told that you were getting big and if I waited until 40 weeks that there would be issues giving birth. You were about 7 pounds at that moment in time and to this day I don't think you were "too big" but I had to listen to the doctors. They wanted me to come back in a few days and they wanted to induce me to have a natural labor so that you could come out while you were around 7 pounds. 

"What if the inducing doesn't work?" I asked.

"Well, then we'd look into a cesarian section" said the doctor. 

Oh Lord. It was time to start listening to stories and start getting prepared. I called my girlfriends in America who had children and I asked to hear their stories. The pieces that I thought would be relevant to me was when they told me that the doctors put some IV or medicine or something into their wrist and that started their contractions and then they went into labor. "That doesn't sound so bad", I thought. 

But my Dear Navi. The way that they induce labor in the UK is so different from how they induce labor in the US.  In the UK, the doctors put their fingers into the woman's vagina and then they put some gel into her and that gel is meant to open her cervix and dilate her. I KNOW RIGHT?! WTF!? 

"Why can't you put the IV into my wrist like they do in America???" I asked, when told about this procedure. I wasn't given a clear answer. That's just not how they do it over here. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to be back home in the states. Even if it meant that I'd have to pay thousands of dollars for giving birth. At least I'd have my own room and my own bathroom and at least no one would be sticking their fingers up me! 

You'd think I'd be okay with it considering the fact that I'm a married a woman and I'm pregnant. But I don't know why, I wasn't okay with it. Even during regular check ups, I was okay with them sticking up a long camera into my lady parts. I actually put the camera in myself so that there was a sense of control. But a strangers fingers going up there? Oh Lord. 

They tried three times. Once every 8 hours.  One of the tries involved giving me laughing gas because I was so uncomfortable. And at the end of it all, I hadn't opened up one bit. (You were very comfortable inside me ;) 

My next two options were to either try again three more times or go have a c-section. I didn't like either option. I had never been more afraid and confused in my entire life. And the worst part was that I was alone at night time. I don't know if it was because of covid or because it's a UK rule, but over here, you are put into a ward with other women who are going into labor. Your father could only visit me for a few hours during the daytime. At night, I was on my own. It was just another reason for why I missed America so much and why I had longed to be back there. 

I cried about it. I prayed about it. I called girlfriends back home that had gone through c-sections so that I could hear their experience. The other women in my ward heard me and one of them shared her story with me. She said that she went through two rounds of inductions (getting fingered by a stranger 6 times!) and at the end she dilated one centimeter. They tried to make her go into labor but the baby was distressed and not coming out and then they went into an emergency c-section. 

"Get a planned c-section!" is what the two women in my ward said to do. If its an emergency c-section, even the surgeons will be stressed out and you don't want that. I slept on it and in the morning I decided to go ahead and have a c-section. They booked me in the very same day at 11am. They read off all of the side effects and horrible things that could happen to me too. Like, they were going to numb me from the waist down and there was a chance that my legs wouldn't work again. And the medicine could have adverse affects and I could get blood clots and etc etc. . . .

"So, basically I'm going to die" I thought to myself. 

I quickly wrote a letter to you just in case that happened. And yes, I still have that letter. :) 

I was so scared. I had never had any type of surgery before. I even avoided getting my tonsils taken out when I was younger and I was about to have my stomach sliced open! But when I went into the operating room, there were about 10 to 15 people in there, smiling and ready. The woman that stuck a needle in my back sensed my fear. In an effort to calm me down, she asked me about my accent and where I was from. She was super relaxed and so was everyone else in the room. I felt a little bit better. 

I was able to keep one airpod in one of my ears so that I could listen to Waheguru Simran during the entire procedure. I held your father's hand during the entire procedure as well. I felt a lot of tugging and pulling but no pain whatsoever and sure enough after some time had passed by, I heard your cry. I was so so so happy. I wanted to hold you immediately but they had to stitch me up and so your father was the first one to hold you (apart from the medical staff of course). I was so jealous! 

But once I was all stitched up, they gave you to me and my God were you the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on. That was the first thought that entered my mind. My second thought was this - I wasn't meant to be in America. I was meant to be right there in the cesarean section operating room in the royal infirmary of Glasgow. I was meant to be in Glasgow. I was meant to be in Scotland. Of course I had moved to Scotland for your father but I had moved here for you. It was right where God wanted me to be and everything that had happened in my life, in those months of pregnancy, in those days following up to your delivery, happened for a reason. I was meant to be your mom. :) 

P.S. Shortly after the procedure, the medicine wore off and the feeling came back back to my legs. Yay! More to come on postpartum recovery!