Breast Milk was not the Best Milk

Dear Future Navi,

In life you will have a lot of difficult obstacles to overcome. Studying for final exams. Getting into a good college or university. Finding and obtaining a really good job. Finding "The One." Planning a wedding. Correction. Planning an Indian wedding! But nothing, and I mean nothing, will be more difficult then those first few weeks following child birth. . . . 

As you know, I had a c-section with you. And I was so thankful that I didn't get any side effects like life long numb legs or blood clots or you know, death! But, the first 6 to 8 weeks following a c-section are tough. I had to take very strong pain killers around the clock. I had to inject my stomach with some medicine that prevented blood clots. (I think it was a blood thinner, I don't remember, so much was going on in those weeks!) I couldn't get out of bed without your Dad's help. Standing, walking, leaning, and moving in general were just hard. My back was always in pain because my core muscles were still recovering. Generally, when people have any type of surgery, they are told to get plenty of rest. But when you have a c-section, you have to be up every few hours because well, you have a baby! 

When we were at the hospital, initially when I attempted to breast feed you, it was working! You latched on to me and you'd be on each side for a half an hour and I'd see milk on your mouth so I knew it was working. Little did I know though, I wasn't producing enough. I tried pumping at the hospital to see how much was coming out and it wasn't a lot. I started to worry. Before the hospital let us go, they had me top you off with formula and they gave us several bottles to go home and get started with.  (That would have costed a fortune in the states! But another blog for another time!)

I was desperate to breast feed you. Largely because you were born at the time of covid-19. I hope by the time you read this, it stays at 19 and there aren't any new pandemics! I did not get vaccinated while I was pregnant because it was such a new vaccine and I was so scared of any long term effects it may have had on you. I still blame covid for the miscarriage I had prior to you so I was not going to take any chances. I was honestly a little paranoid and when you were born I didn't like anyone holding you. If I had my way, everyone would have dipped their hands into a big bowl of sanitizer before holding you! I had seen stories of babies going back to the hospital with RSV and covid and having to be under so much equipment to help them breathe. I could not allow that to happen. When I had you I had turned into a lioness that had to protect my baby at whatever cost. (To be honest, I am still like that. When I sense any type of danger coming your way, I make sure to growl. lol) My plan was to get vaccinated after giving birth and then to breast feed you so that you could get the antibodies through the breast milk. And also so that my body could filter out any potential bad or negative nasties from the vaccine. (No scientific evidence to this - this is just what I thought.) 

But oh my Lord. I tried, you tried, we tried and we tried and we tried yet my body could not produce enough. I felt like a complete failure. None of my accomplishments or anything good that I had done in my life mattered in those moments because I couldn't produce milk. The day after we came home from the hospital, a nurse from the NHS visited us. AT HOME. (So amazing!!! They don't do this in the U.S. either but again, another blog for another time!) The nurse weighed you and you had dropped weight. They said it was normal but they decided to visit again the next day. And the next and the next. Apparently it is normal for a baby to loose 10% of their body weight within the first week, but you had lost 11% so everyone was on high alert. 

I was put on a plan to feed you. It went like this: 

1. Feed you on my breasts for 15 minutes on each side. 

2. Then top you off with any milk from the previous pump. 

3. Then top you off with formula. 

4. Then I had to pump. Also for 15 minutes on each side.

5. Clean and sterilize all of the pump parts and bottles and teats. 

EVERY. THREE. HOURS. ALL DAY. ALL NIGHT. 

And I also had to somehow manage to sleep and eat and maybe take a shower. Remember those final exams? Looking pretty easy now in comparison, huh? 

I would pump for a half an hour and produce only an ounce. I cried every single time I pumped. Oh and I was also getting clogged milk ducts in my breasts and they were painful!  I wasn't doing a mother's job. I wasn't feeding you, my newly born beautiful baby with my own milk AND I wasn't giving you protection against covid. I felt like a complete FAILURE. That was the only word I could use to describe myself. I cried all day everyday. Was this postpartum depression? I googled it. I read all of the symptoms and I then discovered that I  just had the "baby blues." I was just so overwhelmed. I hardly got any sleep. I was taking pain killers. I was injecting my tummy everyday. My whole body ached. My hormones were dropping but also fluctuating as I tried to breast feed. It was a lot! But mostly, I just wanted to do what was best for you. 

Thankfully, your Nani came to visit from America. She stayed with us for about two weeks and she cooked every single meal for us. She would bring avocado toast to my bed in the mornings and I will remember her always for it. In between the three hour slots, your father would help clean and sterilize parts and do whatever else he could to help. It was truly a group effort. It truly takes a village! 

During the few moments when I was awake and had a little bit of energy within me, I'd call my fellow mommy friends back home in the states. I asked to hear their experiences and for their advice and while talking to one of them I broke down crying and telling her about how much of a failure I felt like I was. This wonderful friend of mine said something along the lines of this, "Did your baby end up in the ICU?"  No, I said. "Was your baby born with 10 fingers and 10 toes?" Yes, I said.  

"Your baby was born healthy and beautiful and with no complications. YOUR body did that. It's okay if you can't breastfeed, your body did what really matters. It produced a beautiful and healthy baby!" 

She was right. I couldn't deny it. Despite being in my late thirties, my body made you and that was truly amazing. I wasn't a failure. You were (and still are) the most beautiful and healthy baby. Everyone in the family said that it was okay for you to be on formula.  So, I started to relax. I pumped less and less and less and gave you more and more formula. I cried less every day. Your weight starting picking up again. You were happy and content and you would sleep better also. And as a result, I slept better! I started enjoying you more. You would take your mid day naps while laying down on my chest for three hours everyday and they were the best three hours of my day. :)

There is a saying in the mommy world that will always be true: FED IS BEST.  Thank God we live in a time where formula exists. So just know that if and when you decide to have a baby, if you are able to breast feed, great! If not, it is totally, totally, totally okay. I was breastfed for a whole year and your Maasi was formula fed and yet it is I who has all of the allergies and who is prone to getting sick way more than her! Alas! 

Also, enjoy all of your other obstacles that I mentioned before as much as you can first before having a baby, okay? Travel. Travel. Travel. SAFELY. While calling me everyday. Video Calling. You don't mind if I have a few trackers on you right? Actually, I'm just going to come with you okay? Okay, thanks!

Love,

Mom :) 

Yes, this is an actual picture of one of my pumping sessions. I know right!