Lohri - Another gender biased festival???
Dear future Navi and future Niraalam :)
Wow, I can't believe I'm addressing two of you now! What is life?!
I was going to write about my second pregnancy, second c-section, second post partum journey, but that will all have to wait because yesterday was Lohri and I'm kind pissed off at the world and I need to write/vent it out. (Also, both of you are sleeping right now and that's kind of rare!)
When I found out that I was pregnant again, I'm not going to lie, I was scared and anxious. This time I knew what to expect because this time I knew how hard it was going to be! (But I'll write more about that later) I accepted God's will and carried on. When I told your Maasi that I was pregnant again, the first thing she said to me was, "Don't worry Didi! I will come when you deliver and I will help!" A huge wave of relief came over me. I have always been incredibly thankful to have her in my life and this just meant everything. Her coming was a huge deal. It wasn't an "I'll drive down and be there in 30 minutes" kind of coming." It was an "I'll take an international flight with my toddler and I'm coming." And in that moment, Navi, I was happy to be giving you a sibling because I know what a blessing my sibling was to me. I just kind of hoped to give you a sister because I have such an amazing sister. 🙈
But early on in my pregnancy, I had a feeling it was a boy. I later on got confused because I was nauseas for so long and people said that you won't get nausea when you have a boy, but boy were they wrong! Niraalam, when the ultrasound confirmed the gender, my first thought was okay cool, I'm about to break some gender roles with you little boy! I'm going to teach you how to make roti! I'm going to teach you how to treat a lady with respect when you grow up so that you don't turn out like any of my ex-boyfriends! Luckily your father is a good role model for that ;). But I am still going to do my part to make an exceptional man out of my boy. And at the end of the day, I was just thankful that each scan and each visit showed that you were healthy.
When we told our family and friends that I was having a boy, there was a lot of happiness. A little too much happiness. Your father and I received comments like:
"Oh thank God it's a boy!"
"You are so lucky!"
"I was praying for you to have a boy!"
"You are going to have a gentleman's family!" (What is a gentleman's family and where did that term come from? To this day, I have no idea. If we had two girls would your Daddy not be considered a gentleman? And why does this term refer to the gentleMAN? Grrrrrrr!)
I ignored the underlying tone of male preference in these comments largely because I've been too sleep deprived to care. But then yesterday was Lohri and today we received comments like:
"It's Lohri! You have a boy! Why aren't you celebrating?!"
But no one asked or expected any of this when my girl was born. So uhm, WTF?
Navi, when you were born, your Nani made laddoos in your honor and when family and friends came over to see you, we gave them to everyone! When you turned one month old, I sent pink donuts to my friends in America through uber eats! (Because donuts are just as yummy as laddoos!)
Niraalam, we haven't done those things just yet but we will! (Post Partum life is much more difficult when there is a newborn AND a toddler! LOL Again, will write more about this later.) But when your father goes back to the office, I'm going to send him there with sweets in your honor because my coworkers are my sweetest friends and they really helped me get through this pregnancy!
You both are equal to me. You both are my sun and moon and my whole world. You both will have your own personalities. And since one of you is a girl and one of you is a boy, you both will obviously have different strengths and weaknesses. But these should be accepted and appreciated. All I want is for both of you to always be there for each other and always have each other's back!
I don't understand why Lohri is such a big deal for the birth of a boy but not for a girl. I know that the new generation and many within the desi diaspora are trying to change things. But why has it been so boy focused to being with???
Why do Lohri and Karva Chauth and Raksha Bandhan and all of these other Indian holidays and festivals have this underlying tone of male preference and privilege??? I don't understand it and I probably never will. And honestly, if its not 100% equal for both of you, I don't want to ever partake in it.
All I have to say is this. I know everyone had good intentions when they praised us for having a boy but let me make one thing very clear: Even if my second baby was to be a girl, we would still be "lucky."
Every child that is born happy and healthy no matter what gender it is, is lucky.
Bhull Chuk Maaf
Also, my dear Niraalam, if and when Navi has a baby or babies, if I cannot be there for her for any reason, I'm going to need for you to be there for her and cook for her and help her out as much as you possibly can (if she needs the help)! I'm going to teach both of you how to cook so both of you should know how to make roti! Okay? Okay!
Love,
Mom :)
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