Krodh . . . .
I never thought I'd one day write a blog like this. Up until now, my blog was meant to shed some laughter and light for the single ladies (and guys) in my community. I feel like I could possibly get killed for writing this blog, but I really don't care. If my blog can help and inspire even just one woman to get out of a bad situation, then it's all worth it. . . So, Bhull Chuk Maaf in advance. . . here goes. . .
California. California was very good to me. The weather, the mountains, my job, my home, the people, the food, my allergies! It was all very good to me. But there was one thing that wasn't good to me. . . him. He had a very demanding job and I tried to be as understanding as possible. Even though before I moved here, he told me we would be able to spend time together. He told me we would go sight seeing, mountain hiking, and dog walking together! You see, I'm a Sagittarius. I am an adventure seeker! But even more importantly, I am a woman. I am a love seeker. So, you can imagine my sadness when I got here and found out that he couldn't give me anything. The thing that hurt the most was. . . It wasn't about him working all the time or the way he treated me while he was away (even though that matters too), it was about the way he treated me when he wasn't working. It was about what he did and what he said when he was at home. He lived and continues to live with his family and I get it, they are a priority too. But, he simply couldn't make any time for me. He simply wouldn't make time for me. We fought often because of this and there were many times that I just shut down and stayed quiet because I didn't want to fight.
There were many times when he would make plans with me but then blow them off because "something came up." He couldn't even text or call. He didn't want to give me a time because he knew he couldn't commit to a time. One day we were supposed to spend the whole evening together. We met up at the park and I hadn't eaten because I assumed we would eat together. Upon arrival, he told me that he was going to have dinner at his home because his mom made this fabulous Indian dish that he had to have. The worst part was. . . he had already had it that day and he wanted the leftovers. I got upset and he said, "Why can't you just eat alone tonight?"
In my mind I thought. . . I was eating alone every night. . . .
All I could do was cry. And when I started to cry, he got up and left. And so there I was in what felt like the middle of California (well technically speaking southern California) all alone in the middle of the park with no one to call and no one to see, just me and my dog. My friends and family were hundreds of miles away in Houston and I was alone. I couldn't stop the tears that were streaming down my cheeks because he choose his mom's leftovers over an evening out with me. My dog was circling me, my dog was licking the tears off of my cheeks, and then being the husky breed descendant wolf that he is, he started howling. And so there I was crying, there was my dog howling, and he just kept walking . . . .
I was told later that he just got angry and by him walking away from the situation, he did a good thing. . . hat's off to him . . lets give him a nobel peace prize. >:(
This recurring fight/ struggle kept on happening over and over and over again. I was told to have more patience. I was told to be more understanding to him and his needs and his stresses. But who was understanding me? I moved halfway across the country to be with the one that I "love." And, above all, it was his idea for me to come here. It was his encouragement and excitement that motivated me to come here. It was his promise and commitment that brought me here.
One day. . . we were in the park (I know right, it always happened in the park!). We were arguing and I shut down. I stayed quiet and he got angry that I was quiet. He did the same thing. He walked away and went into his car. I thought he would drive off instantly but he just kind of stayed there with the motor running. I stared at him and I thought to myself that I shouldn't be quiet. I should communicate how I feel. I went into the car. It was now him and I in the front seat and both of our dogs in the back seat. I told him that I wanted to talk now but he started ignoring me (Retaliation, I guess?). He was on his phone. He wouldn't look at me. I got upset and I snatched the phone out of his hands. Nothing could have prepared me for what was about to come next. . . he said. . .
"Give me my phone back otherwise I'm going to slam your head into the window."
Pause.
It took weeks and weeks of crying and talking and understanding and disecting what happened in that moment to somewhat get past this. I'll do my best to explain using the help of a psychologist that I saw on TV recently. We are very passionate people. Our passion is a blessing and a curse. On a scale of 0 to 10 on the anger level, 0 to 3 is calm and neutral in all situations, 3 to 6 is . . "hey I need a moment to calm down, let me go use the bathroom and i'll be right back", and 7 to 10 is outright rage or in my words, or really. . the Guru's words. . .Krodh. When a person reaches 7 to 10, their body and their mind react to a situation in the same way as if a gun were pointing at them. He obviously went into the 7 - 10 range.
This psychologist also said this. That we as humans, when we are being attacked, our brains go into either fight, flight, or freeze mode. He obviously went into fight mode. I went into freeze mode. I stared at him. I didn't cry this time. I showed no fear on my face but my heart was pounding inside. I stared into his eyes. Those same eyes that I fad fallen in love with. Those same eyes that once allowed me to look into the depths of his soul were now staring back at me with pure redness and pure rage.
I had seen that look only once before in my entire life. . . . .my dad. . . .
My dad was the typical Indian who thought it was okay to raise his hand at his kids in order to discipline them. Well, let me tell you something parents. . . it's not okay. It is okay to discipline your kids with love. It is not okay to discipline your kids with anger or fear. And you know what, it is human to get angry. But it is not human to use that anger to hurt others. . . .
Unpause.
"I'm warning you." Several seconds had passed by. He didn't calm down. This was horrible because his name literally means "victorious on the battlefield" and I hate to bring an ounce of disrespect to his name but I didn't feel like I was his partner on the battlefield. I felt like I was his enemy on the battlefield. He said it again . . . "I'm warning you"
Was he really going to hit me? Was he really going to "slam my head into the window"? I stared at him. I remembered my Dad. I remembered my Dad's slaps and I remembered how my cheeks felt like fire after those slaps.
I gave the phone back.
California. California was very good to me. The weather, the mountains, my job, my home, the people, the food, my allergies! It was all very good to me. But there was one thing that wasn't good to me. . . him. He had a very demanding job and I tried to be as understanding as possible. Even though before I moved here, he told me we would be able to spend time together. He told me we would go sight seeing, mountain hiking, and dog walking together! You see, I'm a Sagittarius. I am an adventure seeker! But even more importantly, I am a woman. I am a love seeker. So, you can imagine my sadness when I got here and found out that he couldn't give me anything. The thing that hurt the most was. . . It wasn't about him working all the time or the way he treated me while he was away (even though that matters too), it was about the way he treated me when he wasn't working. It was about what he did and what he said when he was at home. He lived and continues to live with his family and I get it, they are a priority too. But, he simply couldn't make any time for me. He simply wouldn't make time for me. We fought often because of this and there were many times that I just shut down and stayed quiet because I didn't want to fight.
There were many times when he would make plans with me but then blow them off because "something came up." He couldn't even text or call. He didn't want to give me a time because he knew he couldn't commit to a time. One day we were supposed to spend the whole evening together. We met up at the park and I hadn't eaten because I assumed we would eat together. Upon arrival, he told me that he was going to have dinner at his home because his mom made this fabulous Indian dish that he had to have. The worst part was. . . he had already had it that day and he wanted the leftovers. I got upset and he said, "Why can't you just eat alone tonight?"
In my mind I thought. . . I was eating alone every night. . . .
All I could do was cry. And when I started to cry, he got up and left. And so there I was in what felt like the middle of California (well technically speaking southern California) all alone in the middle of the park with no one to call and no one to see, just me and my dog. My friends and family were hundreds of miles away in Houston and I was alone. I couldn't stop the tears that were streaming down my cheeks because he choose his mom's leftovers over an evening out with me. My dog was circling me, my dog was licking the tears off of my cheeks, and then being the husky breed descendant wolf that he is, he started howling. And so there I was crying, there was my dog howling, and he just kept walking . . . .
I was told later that he just got angry and by him walking away from the situation, he did a good thing. . . hat's off to him . . lets give him a nobel peace prize. >:(
This recurring fight/ struggle kept on happening over and over and over again. I was told to have more patience. I was told to be more understanding to him and his needs and his stresses. But who was understanding me? I moved halfway across the country to be with the one that I "love." And, above all, it was his idea for me to come here. It was his encouragement and excitement that motivated me to come here. It was his promise and commitment that brought me here.
One day. . . we were in the park (I know right, it always happened in the park!). We were arguing and I shut down. I stayed quiet and he got angry that I was quiet. He did the same thing. He walked away and went into his car. I thought he would drive off instantly but he just kind of stayed there with the motor running. I stared at him and I thought to myself that I shouldn't be quiet. I should communicate how I feel. I went into the car. It was now him and I in the front seat and both of our dogs in the back seat. I told him that I wanted to talk now but he started ignoring me (Retaliation, I guess?). He was on his phone. He wouldn't look at me. I got upset and I snatched the phone out of his hands. Nothing could have prepared me for what was about to come next. . . he said. . .
"Give me my phone back otherwise I'm going to slam your head into the window."
Pause.
It took weeks and weeks of crying and talking and understanding and disecting what happened in that moment to somewhat get past this. I'll do my best to explain using the help of a psychologist that I saw on TV recently. We are very passionate people. Our passion is a blessing and a curse. On a scale of 0 to 10 on the anger level, 0 to 3 is calm and neutral in all situations, 3 to 6 is . . "hey I need a moment to calm down, let me go use the bathroom and i'll be right back", and 7 to 10 is outright rage or in my words, or really. . the Guru's words. . .Krodh. When a person reaches 7 to 10, their body and their mind react to a situation in the same way as if a gun were pointing at them. He obviously went into the 7 - 10 range.
This psychologist also said this. That we as humans, when we are being attacked, our brains go into either fight, flight, or freeze mode. He obviously went into fight mode. I went into freeze mode. I stared at him. I didn't cry this time. I showed no fear on my face but my heart was pounding inside. I stared into his eyes. Those same eyes that I fad fallen in love with. Those same eyes that once allowed me to look into the depths of his soul were now staring back at me with pure redness and pure rage.
I had seen that look only once before in my entire life. . . . .my dad. . . .
My dad was the typical Indian who thought it was okay to raise his hand at his kids in order to discipline them. Well, let me tell you something parents. . . it's not okay. It is okay to discipline your kids with love. It is not okay to discipline your kids with anger or fear. And you know what, it is human to get angry. But it is not human to use that anger to hurt others. . . .
Unpause.
"I'm warning you." Several seconds had passed by. He didn't calm down. This was horrible because his name literally means "victorious on the battlefield" and I hate to bring an ounce of disrespect to his name but I didn't feel like I was his partner on the battlefield. I felt like I was his enemy on the battlefield. He said it again . . . "I'm warning you"
Was he really going to hit me? Was he really going to "slam my head into the window"? I stared at him. I remembered my Dad. I remembered my Dad's slaps and I remembered how my cheeks felt like fire after those slaps.
I gave the phone back.
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