The Return Of The Ex. . . .
So, an interesting thing happened last week. It was a roller coaster of an emotional, upheaval battle. It shook my soul to it's very core and it questioned all of my new found beliefs. It was one of the most difficult struggles that my inner self and artificial self had to face. It brought me perceived comfort and then it brought upon an anxiety attack. It shut me down to the point where I couldn't think or even write or read. . . .
My ex-boyfriend wanted me back.
Within 2 months of our breakup, within 2 months of me writing this blog, and within 2 months of my new stronger self discovery he came back. Why at this time? Why after the 10th date? (yes, I know I'm so behind on the dates! I'm getting there!) Why not after the first date? Why not before starting any dates at all? I really do believe that God and the universe had a challenge and a test for me. . . .
When I say that he came back, do I mean he showed up at my doorstep? No. He just called. He said he was ready to leave everything for me and had that phone call come just two months earlier I probably wouldn't have questioned anything and I probably would have taken him back happily and enthusiastically. I did before many times. It was like the cycle of reincarnation. If we don't learn our lessons, we keep coming back and coming back and coming back and until we learn and apply those lessons then only can we attain salvation and stop coming back to this world and then merge with God and chill out with God forever. (Sikh Belief. . . . it's okay if your views are different!) That was my relationship with my ex. . . . . A never ending cycle of reincarnation!
This time when he came back, I questioned everything. My artificial self wanted to trust him but my inner self knew that I couldn't. I wasn't satisfied with the responses that he gave to my questions. And again, it's not his fault. He is not a bad person! I was just thinking differently this time. He said that he wanted to leave everything (including his family) to be with me but then after having a baby his parents could live with us in about 2 to 3 years because then his mother would magically like me after having his baby. Uhmmmmmm. . . . .his mother would like the baby, she still wouldn't like me. I foresaw a lot of trouble. I foresaw a huge fire that would only get bigger and with only me getting burned.
Remember how I talked about mothers raising their sons with fear before? You know what else I realized? Those sons grow up and instill fear into their girlfriend's/fiancé's/wife's lives. For example, how many Indian mothers do you know say, "Son, if you marry this woman I will disown you! You will not be my son anymore!" Then how many guys grow up saying to their woman, "Listen woman, if you don't do what I say, I will leave you!" Then those woman become mothers and do the same thing to their children! OMG - unhealthy reincarnation cycle! Make it stop!
I didn't feel that my ex was coming back to me from a happy place. I felt the frustration that he had with his family and his work and his life. And I knew that his frustrations would soon come out on me and I just couldn't do it.
As always, our conversations about serious matters like this didn't go to well. When people ask me why we broke up, I could give them a ton of reasons: We weren't compatible. We were at different places in our careers. Our family values didn't match up. It was a long distance relationship. We had way too many communication issues. But the ultimate truth is this. . .our inner selves just didn't match up. The artificial self has agendas in relationships and in life in general. The inner self doesn't have any agenda. The inner self just wants to live in peace and the inner self will only be happy with another soul if that soul also wants lives in peace. That's it.
I didn't learn this lesson on my earlier dates. I had to learn it in the second half of my dating experience first before getting that phone call. I had to meet another soul that my inner self connected to. I still don't know what's going to happen. I don't know whether that particular soul will stay in my life or not but I know that I want a soul exactly like his. . . calm and peaceful and happy. . .
And so. . . my story continues. . . . .